{"id":1477,"date":"2019-12-22T11:40:43","date_gmt":"2019-12-22T16:40:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=1477"},"modified":"2019-12-22T11:40:43","modified_gmt":"2019-12-22T16:40:43","slug":"christmas-under-the-influence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=1477","title":{"rendered":"Christmas Under the Influence"},"content":{"rendered":"

 <\/p>\n

Christmas day is sneaking up.<\/p>\n

Santa’s got his egg nog cup.<\/div>\n
Mrs. S says with a sigh,<\/div>\n
“You might be too drunk to fly.”<\/div>\n
Jolly Santa says, “Ho, Ho.”<\/div>\n
He’s been laying in the snow.<\/div>\n
‘Making angels,’ he’ll relate.<\/div>\n
But he just can’t stay up straight.<\/div>\n
All these years of reindeer gas,<\/div>\n
in his cockpit near their ass,<\/div>\n
makes him wary of the sky.<\/div>\n
Now he is too drunk to fly.<\/div>\n
All the elves can’t get him sober.<\/div>\n
Old St. Nick keeps falling over.<\/div>\n
He’s had way too much libation<\/div>\n
for chimney negotiation.<\/div>\n
They’re afraid too much wassail<\/div>\n
just might wind him up in jail.<\/div>\n
There are rules up in the sky.<\/div>\n
He could get an FUI.<\/div>\n
Looking at his reindeer crew,<\/div>\n
Blitzen might be loaded, too.<\/div>\n
It looks like the holidays<\/div>\n
might be lost in drunken haze.<\/div>\n
‘Til a little elf named Fern<\/div>\n
shows up with a coffee urn.<\/div>\n
“We’ll just fill him with caffeine<\/div>\n
until his whole system’s clean.”<\/div>\n
In twelve hours, clear of eye,<\/div>\n
Santa will be set to fly.<\/div>\n
Rudolph plants a mental seed:<\/div>\n
“Next year we should get him weed.”<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Christmas day is sneaking up. Santa’s got his egg nog cup. Mrs. S says with a sigh, “You might be too drunk to fly.” Jolly Santa says, “Ho, Ho.” He’s been laying in the … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1477","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-poem-2"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":2612,"url":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=2612","url_meta":{"origin":1477,"position":0},"title":"Pause That Claus","author":"Rick Young","date":"December 1, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"When it was found Christmas-treeing was causing deforestation; when it was discovered reindeer were going extinct due to failed flying lessons; when a field of frozen elves in shallow graves was shockingly happened upon, holiday eco terrorists went to their awful work. Santa was found dead in a midwest chimney.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Poem"","block_context":{"text":"Poem","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?cat=16"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1854,"url":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=1854","url_meta":{"origin":1477,"position":1},"title":"Perverted Birdsong","author":"Rick Young","date":"June 25, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Ducks fly south and geese fly north. Don't know why this back and forth. Hawks fly east and doves fly west. There's one bird that flew the best. THE DODO. Yes, the dodo, the whole avian kingdom's Quasimodo. 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He'd walk the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Poem"","block_context":{"text":"Poem","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?cat=16"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2628,"url":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=2628","url_meta":{"origin":1477,"position":3},"title":"Musk Ask","author":"Rick Young","date":"December 15, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"Elon Musk, please fly the Don to another planet. You're the person of the year, so start this fire and fan it. Yes, you've got electric cars and money everywhere. So, it should be easy, get this creep out of our hair. Tell him there's a golden building somewhere in\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Poem"","block_context":{"text":"Poem","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?cat=16"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1261,"url":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=1261","url_meta":{"origin":1477,"position":4},"title":"Good Kill Hunting","author":"Rick Young","date":"May 23, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Thoughts and prayers go out to bears whom hunters can now stalk inside their den. That's not the only rub: they now can shoot the cub. O, what it takes to create manly men! And caribou can now be shot from boats. 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When I start to ask for whiskey, that's a sign I'm getting frisky, and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Poem"","block_context":{"text":"Poem","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?cat=16"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1477","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1477"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1477\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1478,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1477\/revisions\/1478"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1477"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1477"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1477"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}