{"id":2612,"date":"2021-12-01T20:47:18","date_gmt":"2021-12-02T01:47:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=2612"},"modified":"2021-12-02T02:37:53","modified_gmt":"2021-12-02T07:37:53","slug":"pause-than-claus","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=2612","title":{"rendered":"Pause That Claus"},"content":{"rendered":"
When it was found Christmas-treeing was causing deforestation;<\/div>\n
when it was discovered reindeer were going extinct due to failed flying lessons;<\/div>\n
when a field of frozen elves in shallow graves was shockingly happened upon,<\/div>\n
holiday eco terrorists went to their awful work. Santa was found dead in a midwest chimney.<\/div>\n
Mrs. Claus moved to Daytona to live with her spinster sister. Frosty was tossed into rum drinks.<\/div>\n
Christmas shopping was toned down to Hanukkah\u00a0levels. No more insane Black Fridays.<\/div>\n
People began to use ritual, prayer, family counsel and love instead of toy guns and crying dolls.<\/div>\n
Old men in white beards no longer\u00a0had to dress in red and the world was at last rid of tinsel.<\/div>\n
Stockings were only hung for treason and the fireplace could be used for fire once again.<\/div>\n
It was understood the lord had no stake in fancy bikes, electric trains, candy canes or i-anythings.<\/div>\n
Perhaps somewhere in a manger, a depressed cow lowed and missed its drop in status.<\/div>\n
And the secret society of baby Jesus creche robbers discontinued all memberships.<\/div>\n
Silent night, wholly night. All is calm. All has been made right. Now we gotta work on Easter.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When it was found Christmas-treeing was causing deforestation; when it was discovered reindeer were going extinct due to failed flying lessons; when a field of frozen elves in shallow graves was shockingly happened upon, holiday … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2612","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-poem-2"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":631,"url":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=631","url_meta":{"origin":2612,"position":0},"title":"Happy Xanax-mas","author":"Rick Young","date":"December 25, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Santa's in a nursing home. Rudolph conked him on the dome. It was clear St. Nick was addled when the reindeer were found saddled. Elves were working triple shifts. Toys were being lost in drifts. In November, things got weird when the Claus shaved off his beard. He'd walk the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Poem"","block_context":{"text":"Poem","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?cat=16"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":927,"url":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=927","url_meta":{"origin":2612,"position":1},"title":"Broken Crown","author":"Rick Young","date":"August 16, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Jack and Jill went out for supper at their favorite diner. Jill was wearing her best dress and couldn't look much finer. Jack drank two large Bloody Marys along with his meal. But Jill abstained; she didn't like the way booze made her feel. With her food gone, Jill slid\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Poem"","block_context":{"text":"Poem","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?cat=16"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":809,"url":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=809","url_meta":{"origin":2612,"position":2},"title":"He’s Makin’ A List","author":"Rick Young","date":"December 23, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Oh Santa, please bring me some nukes for Christmas. Just leave some megatons beneath my tree. My Russian pen pal asked you for the same thing. And I don't want him to have more than me. The game we play is mutual destruction. And I don't know, dear Santa, if\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Poem"","block_context":{"text":"Poem","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?cat=16"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1477,"url":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=1477","url_meta":{"origin":2612,"position":3},"title":"Christmas Under the Influence","author":"Rick Young","date":"December 22, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 Christmas day is sneaking up. Santa's got his egg nog cup. Mrs. S says with a sigh, \"You might be too drunk to fly.\" Jolly Santa says, \"Ho, Ho.\" He's been laying in the snow. 'Making angels,' he'll relate. But he just can't stay up straight. All these years\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Poem"","block_context":{"text":"Poem","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?cat=16"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":255,"url":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=255","url_meta":{"origin":2612,"position":4},"title":"The Check is in the Male","author":"Rick Young","date":"December 25, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"The pawns are having fun today. They're sacrificed, as is their way. The castles are aswarm with knights, the bishops immune to their plights. While kings and queens, snug in their beds, dream Christmas thoughts: \"Off with their heads!\"","rel":"","context":"In "Poem"","block_context":{"text":"Poem","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?cat=16"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/redtinnoodles.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/12\/X-Mas.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/redtinnoodles.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/12\/X-Mas.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/redtinnoodles.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/12\/X-Mas.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/redtinnoodles.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/12\/X-Mas.jpg?resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1037,"url":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?p=1037","url_meta":{"origin":2612,"position":5},"title":"Letter to NRA Santa","author":"Rick Young","date":"December 25, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"All I want for Christmas is a gun, just like little Ralphie, except real. Armor-piercing bullets would be fun, and a barrel made of polished steel. Santa, bring me ammo clips, body targets, liquor nips. Arm me for a firefight. A silencer would be all right. Shoulder holster would be\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Poem"","block_context":{"text":"Poem","link":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/?cat=16"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2612","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2612"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2612\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2614,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2612\/revisions\/2614"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2612"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2612"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/redtinnoodles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2612"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}